How to recreate a multi pitch day out in the comfort of your home

There’s something about an extra bit of weekend that lends itself to queuing your way up a wet and windy Bosigran Ridge, getting burnt to a crisp in Twll Mawr or crying on the biggest pile of limestone choss that the Peak District has to offer. A normal-sized weekend just doesn’t feel long enough to get out on some big routes, but that added day makes all the difference.

Unfortunately you’d be hard pushed to find a route worthy of more than one pitch in the confines of your 1 bedroom flat, but that doesn’t mean you can’t mimic the experience of multi-pitching without leaving your front door. Recreate your own multi pitch day out this Easter with the following tips:

1. Wake up incredibly early and faff about for 3 hours, all the while maintaining an anxious preoccupation with what time it is and when’s sunset again?
2. Put on your climbing shoes, don’t take them off all day.
3. Ditto your harness. Rack it up with a load of gear whilst you’re at it.
4. Find an incredibly uncomfortable place to stand, then stay there for the best part of an hour. Find a new uncomfortable spot and repeat.
5. Get pooed on by a bird.
6. Alternatively get pecked at by a bird.
7. If you’re self-isolating with a partner, occasionally try occupy exactly the same place and tangle yourselves up in some rope.
8. In fact, maybe just tie yourself to your partner and shout orders at each other from separate rooms.
9. Limit yourself to 1 litre of water, a cereal bar and a banana for the entire day. Let your banana get a good sweat on before you eat it.
10. Occasionally get really cross and shouty for no particular reason.
11. Get a crispy sunburn down your entire back, ensure that your front escapes without so much as a freckle.
12. Do not change your clothes under any circumstances, stay committed to whatever you put on at the start of the day no matter how cold or warm it gets.  
13. Hold in your poos. Failing that, poo in a tube/bag/your Nalgene bottle* and carry it around with you. All toileting should be performed in your harness. (*Wide mouthed Nalgene bottles are preferred).
14. At the end of the day, congratulate yourself on having spent an entire day getting from point A from point A, and doing something rather challenging that probably should have taken half the time.

Maybe multi pitch climbing isn’t quite as enjoyable as I remember…

Stay safe and stay sane!

–  Hati

PS. I’m kidding myself, it’s definitely so much fun.