Wasting time

Time has always been an excellent excuse: there are so many things that we could do if only we had more of it! Learn Spanish, learn banjo, get super fit, patch and darn your clothing, draw, do linocuts, take more photos, sort the garden… Of course I’d have done all these things already if I had the time, but work or [insert obligation] has always got in the way.

But now I have nothing but time. I’m inundated with it, stretching out in all directions for the ‘foreseeable future’ as it has done for the last 4 weeks. Still, one month without work and that hench, hispanophone, banjo-playing and poncho-knitting version of myself still hasn’t materialised. Am I failing lockdown?

When these measures were imposed I drew up an ambitious schedule of activities to help me become a better me whilst I wasn’t working. This, I thought, is an opportunity for self-development, learning new skills and establishing better habits. If I can’t do that now, I never will.

But what I hadn’t accounted for was that this isn’t dedicated time off for self-development where you expand your horizons and better yourself. It’s not a sabbatical or a gap year. You’re not going to be graded on your lockdown attainment and extra-curricular lockdown activities won’t be a CV priority.

No, this is a pandemic. Going to the supermarket is mentally taxing; walking down the street involves elaborate road-crossing etiquette like some high stakes game of Pac-Man, and you’ll never stop feeling guilty that there are thousands of people out there having a really rough time whilst you sit at home in relative comfort and self-pity. Despite what social media might tell us, this is not necessarily a favourable environment for personal development and being your ‘best self’.

Some days you might feel like you could take on the world: you get up, do yoga, go for a run, write a short story, talk to your friends, make a loaf of sourdough, tend your herb garden. Woohoo! Go you! Seize the day!

But there are also days when this bottomless time void feels so overwhelming that you can’t do anything with it but make it pass. You might nap all morning, read a page-turner in the afternoon and spend the evening blotting out the world with a Netflix docuseries about a load of crazy zoo owners. That’s cool too. After all, we’ve all got a lot to get our heads round.

Some people will go back to work with well developed sourdough starters and having completed a thousand pull up challenge. Others will emerge still in one piece, having just about held it together. Both are completely okay.

And if I’m honest, realising this is probably the most useful thing I’ll do all week.

Stay safe

– Hati