Am I brave? My mum says I am, but I’m fairly sure I cry in the face of danger.
In fact, I’ve cried on around half the routes I’ve lead on grit, and some of the ones that I’ve seconded. In one somewhat memorable ascent (Once Pegged Wall) I spent the best part of an hour on the 10 metre gritstone face mustering up the courage to commit to the last move whilst my unfortunate belayer waited patiently below. On another I froze at a nest of solid gear placements until a friend soloed up to my side for moral support. Sometimes I’m scared to jump down onto the crash pads at the bouldering wall, sometimes I’m scared to try a move for no discernible reason.
So the answer is yes, heroically brave.
Well maybe not heroically, there’s a lot of getting scared going around.
I guess it depends on how you define bravery. Is bravery the way that you do the scary thing, or the fact that you attempt it in the first place?
We see fear as a bad thing, something we need to eliminate. But with the exception of fictional evil megalomaniacs in drama thriller TV series, who doesn’t get a bit scared sometimes?
There’s always going to be someone you think of as fearless. It might be your friend, your other half or that award winning free-soloist everyone’s talking about. Whoever it is, they’re probably onsighting E4s without breaking a sweat, doing bat hangs off bridges, actually committing to dual-textured holds, doing ‘alpine stuff’, going up mountains, going down mountains really fast, new routing in Alaska or climbing that chossy VS at Stoney without screaming ‘I don’t want to die on some shitty route in the Peak District‘ through tears about 20 metres off the deck. Do you think these people don’t feel afraid? Is it that easy for them? Or are they just dealing with fear and doubt like the rest of us?
Sometimes I think we might be getting bravery confused with composure. I think that because we often see someone looking composed and take them at face value, without considering the doubts and fears that they might be working with below the surface. Just because someone isn’t crying or shouting or cursing, it doesn’t mean they’re not feeling.
We also confuse bravery with things that we can measure, like blood pressure or resting heart rate. But you can’t measure courage. Courage doesn’t have a grade, it’s not E2 or E4 or even E9. Courage is the willingness to go out of your comfort zone and tackle a challenge when success isn’t certain. Confronting uncertainty takes courage.
Uncertainty is everywhere. In climbing, at work, at home, in relationships, in health, in the fridge, in nightclub toilets. Bravery is not how difficult or strenuous or technical your uncertainty is, but that fact that you confront that uncertainty in the first place.
You might not be composed. There may well be some Elvis Leg, some deep breaths, some fast shallow breaths or even some tears. That’s fine, it’s important to acknowledge your fear. But courage is not being ruled by it, pushing through and feeling elated, or else backing off but feeling happy you tried your best. Sometimes fear is good, sometimes fear is what keeps us safe. Sometimes fear is what tells you that you’re probably not an fictional evil megalomaniac in a thriller drama series.
Am I fearless? No. Am I composed? Far from it. But maybe I’m a bit brave after all.
– Hati
Hati Whiteley 