Ever feel like you’re not being heard at work or at home? Want to walk into a room and have every head turn your way? Or maybe it’s time to start getting what you want in your professional and personal spheres?
Take control of your life, and the lives of those around you, with this expert guide from my 19-year-old cat, Purdy.
- You are a god/goddess to your humans. This is your mantra, repeat it daily to the reflection in your food bowl.
- Your comfort is significantly more important than everyone else’s. Exercise your superior right to comfort by regularly taking naps in inconvenience places (ie. on the stairs, on laptops, on shoes). If you’re awake, swipe at passing legs for funsies.
- You have a voice worth hearing, observe frequent loud wailing sessions so that everyone gets to hear it.
- You should also wail loudly if you encounter a closed door. No doors should be closed to you in your house.
- Too much routine could put you in a rut. Spice up the daily grind and everyone them guessing by occasionally pooing on your humans’ beds for no discernible reason.
- Humans are easier to control when sleep deprived, wake them up in the night by gradually inhabiting more and more spaces in their beds. If the bed:human ratio is not suitable (ie. double bed + 1 human), try pawing their stomachs and faces instead. Once awake, maintain eye contact so that they can’t drift off again.
- Occasionally bring dead animals to your humans to show them what you’re capable of. They will interpret this as a gift, so both their love and fearful respect for you will grow (a win-win).
- Communication is key and humans are often too dim-witted to take a hint. Stand by your food bowl and wail loudly when you are not napping.
- Leave them wanting more: allow humans to pet you occasionally, but make sporadic attacks during petting sessions to leave them feeling slightly uncomfortable.
New year, new you!
– Hati
Hati Whiteley 
Awesome post! Keep up the great work! 🙂
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