Every worthwhile trip has a soundtrack. The even more worthwhile trips have the soundtrack of jamming and good vibes that can only be created with real life musical instruments and a skilled (or at least enthusiastic) balladeer.
But woah there! You can’t just take any music instrument to the crag! Your perfect holiday instrument must be in that sweet spot between convenience and jamming potential.
It’s easy to go wrong here. Whilst some instruments could have been made for such purposes (like the tin whistle), others are seductively portable but should never actually be played ever (the kazoo). The more dedicated troubadour might take one of those instruments that are inconvenient to carry but always worth it when you get your jam on; guitars, accordions and banjos all fall into this category.
But there are some instruments that are in every which way completely unacceptable on a climbing trip. The trombone is one such instrument.
As Jeeves or Wooster once said, the trombone is not an instrument for gentleman. And if experience has taught me one thing, it’s not an instrument for climbers either. But if you are mistakenly tempted to take your trombone on holiday with you, here are some reasons why you probably shouldn’t (from experience):
- The trombone is very noisy, obtrusive and horrible in small spaces (your tent, van or portaledge).
- People can’t sing along to the trombone; people always want to sing along.
- None of your neighbours will like you.
- Trombones are an unfortunate combination of awkward, large, cumbersome, heavy and fragile.
- Everyone will ask to have a go and it will sound terrible.
- Your climbing partner will find your trombone funny at first, but will quickly come to resent it (and you).
- Trombones cannot physically be played in confined spaces such as tents or vans.
- People don’t seem to like it when you serenade them with a trombone as they’re topping out, even if it’s the Jurassic Park theme tune and you mostly know how it goes.
- Trombones are not portable, you cannot attach them to your harness with a carabiner for a multipitch or strap them to your rucksack on a walk-in.
- Trombone slides fall out easily, also not ideal when multipitching.
- The trombone is mainly associated with slapstick sounds like fart noises and that song you play walking behind people which doesn’t really create much of an ambiance.
- You won’t be able to play any of the things people request, unless it’s the Jurassic Park theme tune or something you learned at brass band.
If in doubt, take the tin whistle instead.
– Hati
Hati Whiteley 