Last week, I read an article on UKC called The Height of Fashion: Why Designers are Hyped about Climbing where Natalie Berry discusses how high-fashion loves climbers (and climbers love fashion).
It’s not so surprising that climbers are on the catwalks now. I mean look at us, we’re beautiful.
But what is surprising is how much people will spend on a Louis Vuitton chalk-bag (over £1000) or a diamond-encrusted carabiner ($18,000 and highly impractical) when there are far cheaper – and even free – ways of pretending to be bona fide climber.
Whilst it is possible that people actually enjoy spending four times my month’s rent on a Louis Vuitton chalk bag, I worry that they’re actually just unacquainted with these cheaper methods. So, in the name of equality, here are 10 affordable fashion hacks for getting that outdoor look dialled in time for Autumn/Winter 19.
Step 1: Cover your hands in tape, reams of the stuff. Make a tape gloveso it look like you’ve been crack climbing or wrap it round your fingers as if you’ve injured a tendon. Leave balled up tape in your pockets, your bag or in a trail behind you.
Step 2: Roll your shoulders forward as if you have an enormous muscle imbalance because you’re too busy sending to do antagonist exercises.
Step 3: Get your lovely warm puffy jacket and cover it in duct tape patches. Wear it all year round.
Step 4: Get a beanie and put it on your head; never take it off.
Step 5: Dig out the loudest garments in your wardrobe, the ones you’d usually wear to add a pop of colour to your outfit, and wear them all at once. The brighter the better if you’re after the Euro climber look.
Step 6: Wear walking boots or approach shoes all the time, even to the supermarket. You can never be too prepared.
Step 7: Take miscellaneous items and empty food/drinks containers from around the house and put them in your car. Add some dirt and climbing rope for authenticity.
Step 8: Fill your wallet with climbing wall membership cards, casually get them out whenever you’re rifling through for money/credit cards/library cards.
Step 9: Clip a carabiner to your keys.
Step 10: Plaster your flask and/or car window with stickers from climbing brands (Moon, The North Face, E9).
If you’ve made it this far but are concerned that you may still look out of place at an adventure film festival, consider the following extreme yet equally affordable measures:
Step 11: Set to your palms with sandpaper to toughen them up and grow some lovely calluses. Scrape off your fingertips and wince whenever you hold tea.
Step 12: Downsize your shoes until your feet are permanently curled over and nobbled.
And, of course, don’t forget to wear your Louis Vuitton chalk bag!
– Hati
Hati Whiteley 