The clocks are changing, it’s the end of the summer and you feel weak. Wonderful afternoons whiled away with trad bimbling (rather than grafting on the hangboard) have left your biceps soft and your core doughy, whilst your fingers have transformed into unusable sausages. This makes your inevitable winter retreat to the climbing wall all the more difficult to stomach. Were the reds always that hard? Well they definitely feel harder than before…
Don’t worry, you can now ease into the rainy season shame-free with this semi-comprehensive guide to excuse-forming for failing climbers. Add your own back story and you’re good to go!
Expert tip: if in doubt, say it’s too reachy or too bunched for someone of your height.
Category 1: Injuries
Nothing justifies inadequacy like an injury. Try to pick something invisible with the potential to recur: tendonitis, sprains and muscular injuries are ideal. For the best results, tailor your fake injury to your climbing weaknesses:
‘I don’t feel comfortable committing to that shouldery move, I’m having problems with my rotator cuff from too much tug of war – I don’t want to push it too far‘.
‘I can’t crimp hard, I tweaked my finger last week and that hold is aggrovating it‘.
‘I didn’t want to commit to that sketchy last move, I can’t really fall on my ankle at the moment‘.
Expert tip: include the word ‘tweaky’ for maximum effect.
Category 2: Conditions
We’ve all seen the pros bemoaning bad connies when they don’t get the tick, we can apply those same rules to the climbing wall. Make your complaint both realistic and relevant to the style and be wary – others are facing the same conditions as you:
- Too hot – slopers,
- Too cold – crimps,
- Too chalky – all climbs, but not on generous holds or in well ventilated centres,
- Too busy – high fall potential/wild swings,
- Too much heckling/overly zealous moral support – balancy moves where you could really just do with someone to remind you to breathe.
Category 3: Equipment
Casually allude to your passed-it equipment if you want to come across as cool, worldly and unmaterialistic whilst you’re shrugging off that fall.
Floppy or holey shoes are suitable for avoiding slabs, small edges, heel hooks. Wear your most restrictive trousers to get out of high feet and rockovers.
Category 4: Lifestyle
This category encompasses any factors outside of the climbing wall that may affect your performance. Lifestyle excuses are temporary enough to be over by next time, yet general enough to explain away a whole flop of a session, winner!
- ‘I’ve eaten too much’
- ‘I’m hungry’
- ‘I need a coffee’
- ‘I’ve had too much caffeine’
- ‘I’m dehydrated’
- ‘My sick child/significant other/pet kept me up all night’
- ‘I’ve had an argument with my child/significant other/pet and it’s really put me in a bad headspace’
- ‘I’m stressed at work’
For the ultimate cover story, why not combine a few categories together? A cat. 1 induced by a cat. 4 could work well, or perhaps a cat. 3 that exacerbates your cat. 2? No one will doubt your sending ability (under specific conditions) ever again!
Happy hibernation,
– Hati
Hati Whiteley 