I don’t like making people angry, but I’m about to go sleep in my car for 3 weeks on holiday which seems to make a lot of people angry.
Over the course of numerous tellings-off for sleeping in my car or wild camping, I’ve gathered that the bit people don’t like is the idea that I’m not spending any money. The argument for contributing to local economies is compelling, especially in areas dependent on adventure tourism, but it’s interesting that the freedom of the outdoors has come to bear the invisible price of a luxury hotel or one angry man’s Airbnb.
To me, the drawbacks of the rise in van campers has always been litter, human waste, inconsiderate parking… I’ve put a lot of thought into how I can reduce my impact in these ways, but never really into how I can spend more money and thus earn my liberating outdoor experience.
It occurred to me that others may be in the same boat, so I’ve put together a short list of things you can do to make your climbing trip as expensive as possible. Fear not, each method has been tested for efficacy across the UK and Europe.
Feel free to contribute your own suggestions!
- Lock your keys in your car and call out a local locksmith.
- Buy all your food provisions in the tiniest, most expensive local organic shop (or better yet, a farmer’s market).
- Despite having bought organic porridge and fancy almond milk in the aforementioned expensive shop, succumb to the lure of the local bakery and get pastries for breakfast every morning instead.
- Despite having bought lovely fresh veg and arborio rice in that very same shop, succumb to laziness and fatigue and buy burgers and pizzas for dinner each evening instead.
- Also get pudding because you’ve earned it.
- Spend every evening in the local bar/pub to escape the cold of your van, have a celebratory drink for each pitch.
- End up getting too drunk to drive off in search of a camping spot, pay for the pub’ s onsite campsite instead.
- You had made your peace with not washing for a while, but it sure would be nice to be clean… Book a few days in the local spa to keep smelling fresh.
- Although there are many ways to responsibly poo outside, spend the morning at the local cafe brewing that bowel movement with some overpriced coffees.
- Forget amusing yourself! Spend any rainy days mincing round local tourist spots, buying novel holiday trinkets and hiding from the rain in cafes (where you can conveniently enjoy tasty treats and even more coffee).
- Contribute to the bolt fund or donate to the local mountain rescue team!
Now off you go and enjoy your guilt-free climbing trip!
– Hati
Hati Whiteley 