Sorry nut key.
I’m sorry that we got off to a bad start.
Let’s face it, I was never excited to buy you. It was necessity that parted me (reluctantly) from my money and even now I think of you as I do car insurance or a plunger: I don’t really want you, I never want to use you, but I know deep down that I need you just in case.
I’m sure you have some features or other that make you better than all the other nut keys. I’m sorry, I just don’t care what they are. You haven’t got moving parts, no cool patented name like TripleGrip or GlideSkin, no unboxing videos on YouTube. At the end of the day, you’re just a hunk of metal that I use to free more exciting hunks of metal every now and then.
I’m sorry that, in all of my rack, you are the thing I’d care least about losing. Okay so you could never quite measure up to those flamboyant cams with their moving lobes and colour-coordinated crabs, there’s no way you’re as valuable to me as those shapely offsets… but you’re even less memorable than that maillon I leave on my harness for when I want to bail. That thing is literally made for losing one day, albeit with intent. I don’t know what it is, I guess you lack pizzazz.
I’m sorry that, when I do remember you, I don’t even take you up for the lead. Instead you’re fobbed off onto the second to bring up the rear and dig out any stubborn equipment. No glory for you nut key.
And finally I’m sorry that whenever it’s your time to shine, I muffle your moment with complaining, cursing and whinging that the nut’s stuck. But you’ve got to admit, it’s all a bit of a faff.
But then… you get your revenge don’t you, you pesky thing! When I zealously yank a nut into place you lie at the base of the route waiting for your absence to be noted, and I could swear I’ve heard a snigger rattle through your giraffe neck upon returning home a few pieces short only to find you lazing on the kitchen table.
So maybe, nut key, I’m not sorry after all.
– Hati
Mum, dad, and other people who don’t know what a nut key is… A nut key is a metal thing that you use when trad climbing to remove stuck nuts and other bits of placed-protection from the rock. It’s probably one of your most important bits of gear because stops you from leaving behind all your other bits of gear.
Hati Whiteley 